I’m Tough!

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Do you see those stretch marks? I see them and I am proud of them. I was tough carrying and giving birth to my 3 kids. It changed my body, it changed my mind and it changed my life. I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for anything.

In the last 30 days I have sold our old family home and moved the kids and I to a new place. It’s way smaller but it suits us well. We put boxes in the basement to make room for holiday decorations. We made it through the first 3 weeks at the new school and yes it was tough. The kids did awesome and have made new friend and have also kept their grades up. I am so proud of them. It was something I didn’t want to do but had to do. I am hoping that as they get older they will see the decision I had to make was to keep us finaincially strong . I have gained extra hours with the during the week and I have the priviledge of taking them to school everyday. I have always wanted to have that chance. It is a blessing every day even during the craziness…lol

In the last two years tough choices have been made…some by myself and some by others. I have learned from them all. I have buried my pride on more then one occassion for my kids. I look at my stretch marks and I know I have earned them in so many ways. The love for my children makes me the person I am today. But the love I have found for myself is awesome too. Finding the balance between divorced mom and mom is intersting.

I am tough….. God has made me tough. The kids make me strong. I make myself Tough and Strong. The drama is never ending. The anger towards me is unfair, but I pray every night that peace will come. As I thought about what 2015 will bring for me and my kids I looked at my marks and thought no matter what “We Got this!” We will live by this quote again this year…..” You never know how strong you are until being storng is the only choice you have”

Broken heart!!💔💔💔

Have you ever felt like your heart was ripped out of your chest? What did you do in that moment? Did you fight it? Accept it? Learn from it? Let it over take you?

So many things went through my mind for the last two weeks. My ex had the kids for two consecutive weeks. I did not know what was the best thing to do for me. So I accepted it. I didn’t want to but I did.

This left me with mixed emotions. My ex and I agreed that during those two weeks whatever time he gave me with the kids I would in turn give to him during mine. Well guess what….I didn’t get to see them. I was limited in talking with them also. Who does that and why? It’s just control.

Well I am over it. I have changed so much in the last year and a half. If my kids want to talk to their dad or he wants to talk to them. Go for it! I pay for a home phone just for that reason. I don’t want control I want happy, smart and loved children.

Do I fight this battle in my head everyday. Yes, I do. An ex that is hard to deal with can get exhausting. An ex who drags me back to court every 3 months and then appeals those orders because he doesn’t like them is hard. It’s mentally, physically and financially upsetting. Will it stop? Will it ever stop?

My heart was broken for 14 days but it taught me a hard lesson. I am a tough, vibrant and wonderful woman. Someday when I am ready I will love again. I will keep my focus in raising 3 amazing children and teaching them that God, family and respecting others will make them amazing adults.

I made a lot of decisions in these last two weeks.

1. Finishing all the half done house projects that were never finished.

2. Start to run and enter a few races.

3. Pray and help others more

4. Smile

5. Love, laugh and live

These are not in any order. I have accomplished some already. A happy life is my goal for my kids and I.

Do I give my ex time during my two weeks? That is a hard question to answer. Only time will tell what happens. All I know is I control my actions and if everyone went through what I did maybe they wouldn’t judge me so quickly.20140710-103632-38192679.jpg

BURN IT OFF!

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These tattoos were our 10 year anniversary gifts to each other. My ex worked in construction and stopped wearing his ring. I will admit, after being married for 9 years and then he stopped wearing it gave me cause for concern. Yes, don’t wear it to work, but when you get home or on the weekends put it on. The rings were the symbol of our love and commitment we made to each other before God. Instead of wearing the ring he came up with the tattoo idea.

I do not regret getting my tattoo. I thought about what to do with it for months. My ex went and had his covered up 2 days after I filed for divorce. He went home to get support from his family…or at least that is what he told the kids and I. He really went to Vegas for some fun and to go out. I have taken my time to consider what to do with my tattoo. It has sentimental meaning. I do not regret my marriage. I have 3 amazing children because of the love I once shared with my ex.

I made the decision on November and went and had my first laser treatment. They burn the tattoo off. This is pain like you can not even imagine. Today, I am going for my second treatment and I fear the pain. So I started to think last night about what pain in worse. The physical pain of the tattoo removal or the after emotional pain of divorce.

No one can ever tell you what your life will be like after the divorce. Burning off the tattoo will not make me forget it was there or that the marriage is over. Removing it and placing a new tattoo somewhere else on my body that symbolizes my love will help me heal. I am thinking of putting three small hearts on my wrist. One blue, one purple and one pink. My 3 hearts that I carry with me everyday of my life.

I will go and burn off the tattoo that once symbolized my marriage and in turn I will gain a new perspective on what I want in life.

My life.

My new life.

My 1st real date Post divorce ended up with a 911 call!!

Imagine how scared you would be on your first dinner date post divorce. I haven’t been on a date in over 16 years. How nervous would you be? I was actually was very calm at first, but that soon changed when the ambulance showed up.

So the date started out great. I have known this guy for many years. He has been good friends with my brother. He came by the house and picked me up. We went for a motorcycle ride out to Harsen’s Island. It felt so relaxing to just have the wind in my face and not have to talk. Just hold onto him and enjoy the ride. With my divorce being finalized that upcoming week, I was very stressed. This ride was calming. We stopped at the bar on the island and chatted and watched the boats.

It was so much fun. We got back on the Harley and took a ride around the island. He would reach down and rub my leg just to let me know he was there. We decide to get dinner before heading home. We cruised down M59 and choose to grab a bite at Champps.

We pulled into the parking lot and parked right at the door. I got off first and took of my helmet and glasses. I handed them over. At that moment I felt sick. I took a step toward him and said ” I don’t feel so good”. In that moment my eyes rolled back in my head and he grabbed me before I hit the pavement. He yelled for help and someone called 911.

I opened my eyes to see him kneeling over me looking concerned and scared. Another man was talking to me. A doctor had pulled in next to us. The nice man took the time to help until the ambulance showed up.

Now let me tell you this….. Passing out on the date was so embarrassing!! How about being taken into an ambulance with 2 hot paramedics checking me out while my date takes pictures and videos. I was red and wanted to run. Run fast and far far away.

Turns out I was dehydrated and stressed out. They let me go finish my date. We went in and had dinner. My date bought the doctor and his wife dinner also. Then he had me call my sister to come and drive me home. He didn’t want me to have to get back in the bike. I was horrified. He was never going to take me out again.

I was wrong. He did take me out again and has been in my life for over 5 months. It was an interesting way to start things off. It’s more interesting to watch his reenactment of that night with my boys. Oh man …. I will never live this one down.

Why “We” Got Divorced? Who Filed?

Help After Divorce

 

These are the question that everyone loves to ask a divorced person. Why did you get divorced? Who filed?  I don’t mind people asking me these questions at all. I always tell people it takes 2 people to start a marriage and it takes 2 people to end a marriage.

Our marriage was over long before I filed in May of 2013. After 2 years of counseling with 2 different therapists, my ex moved out of our home on April 2nd. He left to find himself and heal from the last several years of fighting. I was heartbroken by this event. However, I cannot thank him enough for doing it. I knew my marriage was over, but was too scared to end it. Once the trust was gone from our marriage it was over. This is on me. I could not figure out how to rebuild that…

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Why “We” Got Divorced? Who Filed?

 

These are the question that everyone loves to ask a divorced person. Why did you get divorced? Who filed?  I don’t mind people asking me these questions at all. I always tell people it takes 2 people to start a marriage and it takes 2 people to end a marriage.

Our marriage was over long before I filed in May of 2013. After 2 years of counseling with 2 different therapists, my ex moved out of our home on April 2nd. He left to find himself and heal from the last several years of fighting. I was heartbroken by this event. However, I cannot thank him enough for doing it. I knew my marriage was over, but was too scared to end it. Once the trust was gone from our marriage it was over. This is on me. I could not figure out how to rebuild that trust with my ex.

On May 15th I filed for divorce. This was after numerous counseling sessions and meetings with our pastor while we were separated. My ex had no intention of moving home anytime soon. So, he asked to split finances and told me to file. He said he could not bring himself to go and end it.

I was a mess the weeks leading up to filing. I have no idea how I made it through those 5 weeks. I was a zombie during the day and cried all night. Somehow, I managed to hold it together for the kids. They needed me more then I needed to cry. It was hard those weeks. They didn’t see their dad much. They didn’t understand and since I didn’t either all I could do was hold them.

I thank God for giving me the strength to put my kids first those weeks. There did come a point when I filed that I put myself first. I even checked out some dating sites. I had been married for almost 13 years and had no clue how to date again or if anyone would even look at me.

I continued with my therapist and took the kids to talk to the pastor often. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I have grown in the last 10 months. I am still trying to find out who I am as a woman. I will tell you this ….I am stronger than I thought I ever could be. My mom gave me a plaque that I keep at my desk. It says…..”You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have” 

Giving up!

Have you ever just felt like giving up? Just letting someone get their way so they leave you alone.

It’s been that kind of week for me. Court is done for now but the threats of more and law suits have already been emailed to me.

I am now going to get thicker skin. I’m not sure how to do that but when you get divorced you better learn this lesson quick. Without thick skin your emotions will eat you alive.

So from now on his emails will not hurt me…. effect me….. Change who I am. I have a kind heart and no matter what cruel things he writes about me I know who I am.

I wish my ex the best. I hope he has found the love of his life and they live happily ever after. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I hope he finds the peace with her that I could not give him.

Post divorce is hard. Thicker skin is the best advice my friend gave me and now I’m passing it along to you. I hope it helps.

Court!

It’s 8:15 am and I am sitting in the hallway waiting to go into court again. Personally I don’t like court. Even when I’m not in trouble I seem to get nervous. I have no real reason except that another human being gets to decide what is best for my kids and she has never met them. All I can do is pray to God that he guides her through this decision.

How I made it through today I’m really not sure. Have you ever been so angry you cry? Yep, I’m a typical emotional woman and I can admit my faults. Trying to work things out just didn’t work for us in court today. I rolled the dice and let the judge decide. She pretty much gave us each something. Neither one if us walked out happy but I can live with the decision.

Which brings me to the questions….

Will he ever stop taking me to court?

Will he ever be done and content with the path he choose for himself?

How does he not get emotionally exhausted by all if this turmoil?

When will the constant emails stop?

We are divorced and I admit it hurts for so many reasons, but most of all the kids. They should be first!

I hope court is done for a long time and now we can finishing healing. The kids and I have almost been living alone for a year now. I think we have come long way together and I am excited to see what more we can accomplish.